This last year 2014 has stirred me to the core, and for that I bow. Turned up things that have unconsciously kept me uncomfortably comfortable. I flew out of the comfortable mountain nest of Oregon to a crash landing into Austin Texas.
Facing my stories , fears and vulnerabilities that I am not safe in my body or on the Earth. My fears around being a soft yet strong voice of the feminine on the front line of change and staying committed to moving through the terrors of that. My curiosity of business leadership and bring my heart centered values into a very masculine dominate world, as I stay open and curious on how to create change inside out. How to integrate my spirituality into the mundane and bring the richness and vastness of my heart into tangible material to share.
The end of the year to top it off ending with an intense allergic reaction to environmental molds and pollens which I have never experienced before and then to top it off, my computer crashing. My computer diagnosis- system basically has to go to zero point. Starting over and rebuilding from the new blank slate. Owey, all the old story gone that wasn’t saved by the memory. Very symbolic I would say. What can I say but I surrender… I surrender.
So my constant question I ask is this:
How do I continue to listen, show up and love all of what life offers? Even when it is hard to do?
How can I grow more fully into truly loving my humanity?
How do I allow the grace in my heart to take charge, aligned with spirit, and create through inspired action, allowing my body to be a vehicle for transformation?
Insights:
I am now using this rich material of last year for compost. The nutrients received are key ingredients to grow beautiful sustainable gardens.
These ingredients are willingness, humility and receptiveness.
I have found I can do all the planting in the world, goal setting, visioning but first I have to be willing to grow, to listen, to change.
I can use this body as a vehicle to allow source energy move and breath and speak and share through. As soon as I think it is me doing the doing I limit the infinite.
I know if I am receptive I don’t need to know how, how shows up in with more grace than I could have planned for on my own.
The heart is the main generator of life and my body works as a powerful transformer. As I hold that awareness. it is where life is sourced and transmuted and it is capable of holding everything and anything. I give it the credit it deserves. It is capable of creating coherence inside out, which means it is able to bring things back into a harmonious balance and vitality just by creating habits and a commitment to live from the center.
Power centers are :
My womb synchronized with my heart- In this sacred alignment embraces and expresses with true creative power, surrendering my will with thy will.
My heart with my insight- which embraces my voice, using this voice to express a higher vision with compassion, empowerment and higher intelligence.
Linking with my Earth and Divine inheritance as both equal and expressive reflection of my embodied whole nature. In other words claiming my humanity through my divinity, my divinity as my humanity.
Knowing I have to link up with my own internal electrical system and feedback loop to really be effective in my external relationship with life and everything is practice and feedback for that.
So now what? My knowing is if we listen to our own biological make up, our own nature, it aligns us with a greater capacity to thrive both inwardly and outwardly.
I have come to the conclusion that if I live connected to my own nature it gives me a greater capacity to thrive and teaches me how to plant a sustainable garden. One that produces a vital harvest that not only feeds my family and myself but all who want to be nourished by it.
Something I hear a lot in working with others and have even spoken myself is I want to let go of…... Through personal experience I feel that we never really let anything go. That letting go is actually surrendering, our stories and tears to the Earth to be used for rich soil for our seeds to be nourished by. As those sweet composted nutrients die and are recycled into the ground, it transforms us and gives powerful nutrients to the soil. Helps to build attributes that not only can assist us in our path but inspire others in theirs. So it is about recycling and renewing, as we see in nature.
I know there is always powerful attributes to the stories we have been holding onto. For instance I did a powerful constellation on winter solstice where I represented responsibility and the pain of that old story which I know so well. When transformed responsibility turned into the purity of true service. It is a burden to carry such responsibility until it becomes transformed by accepting it as a blessing to truly serve.
Everything is there for nourishment when we fully receive it, as the Earth mama does.
I have found that I can have an idea of my personal wants, visions and goals, but if I limit it to that only I limit the divine possibility wanting to create through my heart and hands. Leaving myself open for something greater than myself has been big for me this year and really, really learning how to get out of my own way.
For me, to really embody something you have to take it deep in the soil, letting it compost, letting it take root.
Living only at the surface I realize there is not enough nutrients to survive. Survival is our past habits, taking the minimum we can get and harvesting way before it bare fruits. You can see this reflected in a big way this year through GMO production and our realization that this is not the way.
When we genetically modify anything we take the chance of disturbing the balance of nature and honoring right timing.
I feel this is created out of a deep rooted feeling of starving, not enough, because there isn't when we live at the surface. When we perceive we are alone and live in our old perceptions of not enough. Those of us on this path of transformation know we can no longer live in the clouds, bi-passing our humanity, live at the surface. We have to be willing to get down and dirty and love the dirt because it is us too. Letting the Earth, our bodies know we are here to serve the whole.
Learning to thrive is now and future. How to live from our hearts which includes, rather than our minds which separate and compartmentalize.
How do we get into the soil, to drop below the surface, to dig our roots a little deeper and not to be afraid of using our voices and our humanity to create change. I have found it takes courage, commitment and digging a little deeper and with compassion to feel all of life.
A deep realization I have had is that I am not one to stay very long in comfort zones.
I love resting into the edge of what's possible, swimming in the depths emerging myself into the mud. I know this is where real beauty grows from.
This year has challenged me to face some deep shadows I have inherited and really learn to love and make peace with where I have come from so I can chose to create in more vibrant ways.
How to weed my garden so that the healthy roots have a chance to really thrive. How to listen even more and honor the cycles and timing. To allow myself to make mistakes and trust in that perfection. Not the perfection of my own expectation or anyone else's. But the perfection as learning as I go, in my timing. How to embrace the storms of grief, shame and rage as beneficial instead of burden, that it has a voice and a need for acknowledgement.
I am learning how to create rich compost. How to love even when it is hard to do. How to stay in the dirt, making peace with intimate connection with the mud of my humanity. Especially when I want to find anyway to get out, instead I have surrendered to feeling it all the way through, as I truly know we are capable of. We all have different timing on that.
I may at first stumble but any child does when learning to walk in a new way. Eventually befriending grace and ease and learning how to ask for help and co-create.
I have never been a do it by the books kind of person. Yes I have learned through the school of hard knocks, and the sweetest of fairy tales. I am learning to focus on the scriptures, writing in my own book, embracing my own school. The school of life. How precious is that, when we can listen to the unique writings of our own unique soul university.
My life is not a memorization of stories and ideas. When I speak, I share what I know, I know it in my bones. I have lived it, discovered it, explored it, dissected it, acknowledged it, broke it open and found new more functional ways of putting back together. I have listened to my own heart without interruption.
This is the beauty of life through my eyes. It is hard, it's painful, it's ecstatic and joyful, it's heart wrenching and tumultuously real and it takes a tremendous amount of patients in this process of healthy gardening.
I am truly developing the courage to look at it all face to face and witness how my heart is capable of loving even this, even the stuff I thought could never be.
I know I am here to serve, even my ego at times, cause it is not separate from me.
To make peace with all the pieces of life's offerings. All the seeds, roots, sprouts, stems and blossoms and weeds, the whole of it. How to give gratitude for the pests and unpredictable weather cause it's what trains us for becoming resilient and helps us to embody important attributes from experience. I feel the sun of our own heart that brings compassion for my garden and all gardens. This is being human, love in formed, here to share the fruits of life with each other!
Happy New Years, happy new you! May you and I challenge ourselves more fully into our true radiance and plant a sustainable garden that can support a more vibrant world where all are welcome and supported to grow!
